Saturday, May 21, 2011

Live Blog: The Rapture

Since the end of the world won't occur until 6pm local Orlando time, I thought I'd blog my experiences up to that fateful hour.

  • 9:30am - I'm allowed to sleep in this morning. The Labs don't bother me at 5:30am, and Lucy the cat has yet to walk across my chest to let me know it's time to get up. Instead, I awaken to the melodious voice of my beloved wife yelling at me from the living room. She wants to know if I'm going out to get bagels for breakfast.
  • 10:00am - I arrive at the local Einstein's bagel shop to stand in a line about 10 people deep. I'm the last. It's not looking too good at the order register; many of the bagel baskets are empty. When I finally get to the head of the line, I place my order and find that yes, I can have 6 asiago cheese, 4 everything, and three poppy seed. This in spite of the fact I was late to the shop and stood in a long slow line. I got my baker's dozen without any drama. A sign of impending doom?
  • 10:30am - Now I'm at the local Publix, where shopping is such a pleasure. I head to the section where they sell 59 ounce containers of grapefruit juice for the same price as the older 64 ounce containers. I see a special sign next to the Public brand - "2 for $3". So I grab two, head to the checkout, and ask the cashier what the price is. She scans at her register and says "$3 for one container." I tell her about the sign, she sends forth a store lackey to check it out, and sure enough, I'm right. For my reward I only have to pay $1.50 (half of $3), because Publix has a rule that says if I find a pricing mistake I get the second item free. So I get two 59 ounce cartons of Publix brand grapefruit juice for $1.50. Another sign of the coming apocalypse?
  • 11:00am - I'm driving home, past at least four neighborhood garage sales. Perhaps selling everything off before the apocalypse in the vain hope that they'll be able to get top dollar for their used trash. The apocalypse will probably severely depress prices on everything. I'm thinking the apocalypse can't come soon enough. I'm hoping it'll strike all those folks who line the streets next to the garage sales with their poorly parked cars and make it nearly impossible to drive about my own neighborhood. Especially the one idiot who parked their car in a driveway so that the back half stuck out into the street. Perhaps the rapture/apocalypse is a good thing. At least the streets will be clearer of idiot drivers.
  • 1:00pm - Off to see the latest Pirates movie, in spite of its low rating. Perhaps the apocalypse will claim most of the talentless a-hole critics who take such sadistic pleasure in trashing what they themselves can't create. I've invested my time and money in the last three movies, and I'll still like Johnny Depp. No Knightley, no Bloom, yet still watching a Pirates movie as the apocalypse approaches. Truly another sign of the gathering apocalypse.
More to come...

No comments:

Post a Comment

All comments are checked. Comment SPAM will be blocked and deleted.

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.