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Old Painless

So here I am, helpless in the face of extreme stupidity in Washington and abroad, desperately wanting a ridiculously simple solution to an overly complex situation. So what do I do for comfort and solace in such a trying moment? Watch Predator.

In particular, Old Painless. A supposed GE M-134 minigun. And fantasize about mowing down all the Enemies of Amerika.

The weapon of choice of Blaine Cooper (Jesse Ventura), this little baby could wipe out an entire guerrilla base or acres of jungle growth in mere seconds. I start to fantasize I have one of these little babies with me. Until reality sets in.

  • It fires 7.62mm rounds at 50 rounds/sec. Simple math shows that every 10 second burst requires 500 rounds. Between the firefight with the guerrillas and the emotional firing by Mac (Bill Duke), Blaine's buddy when Blaine was done in by the predator, there's no practical way a normal human being could have carried that much ammunition. I counted at least 60 seconds of combined fire time, which means 3,000 total rounds. More or less. Probably more.
  • Cost. Every second the trigger is pulled about $200 flies out of those six barrels. In 60 seconds I've burned through enough ammunition to buy a nice used car.
  • Recoil. It's strong enough to knock you back on your ass. That's one reason it's usually pintle mounted in the door of a helicopter or the top edge of a vehicle.
  • Reload. Did I mention it shoot's 50 rounds/sec? Unless you've got extra belts with you, you'll chew through ammo far far faster than you'll get the minigun reloaded.
  • Electricity. The M-134 has an electric motor to drive the rotating barrels. That's the whine you hear in the movies along with all the rounds being fired. Problem is the gun needs a big battery. Big enough that when it was being used in the Predator they had the power cabling running off of Jesse and carefully hidden off the edge of the scene.
Yeah, I could cut a hatch in my fire-red Prius and mount a pintle and the minigun on the shotgun side, then run the ammo belt into the back seat. I think the Prius' battery pack is powerful enough to run the minigun's motor. The only problem is I think I'd have to be careful when I fired the minigun. I'd hate to be embarressed by having the recoil of the minigun roll my Prius over.

Not to mention what an eye-catching sight an M-134 minigun mounted on top of a fire-red Prius would look like driving around downtown Orlando. I haven't looked to be sure, but I don't think Florida's right to carry laws covers a M-134 minigun.

Oh well. Time to come back down to earth.


  1. LOL - good one, Bill! And I have to admit, like you I've thought about those who turn down our society knowingly, and how to get rid of those. Like: hard-wiring their nice and clean office buildings with C4 over several years, pretending to be that deep garage painter and repair shop guy, and at day X, trigger them all off simultaneously. I guess that'd make me quite the devil and Bin Laden, wouldn't it? Hehehe - I usually dream these for a couple of minutes only, until I come back down to Earth...

  2. Bill... at 50 rounds per second that think must get pretty hot.

    Does it come with asbestos gloves?

  3. You want an M-134 for your Prius? Why bother, such a puny little firearm will only get people mad at you, hardly worth the metal it's made out of.

    If you really want to hurt someone, the weapon of choice is the GAU-8 Avenger 30mm gatling gun as used on the Air Force's A-10 Warthog ground support planes.

    With those nice Coke bottle sized depleted uranium rounds that the Avenger uses, you can really do some damage. Rate of fire is a mere 3,900 rounds per minute, but when using 30mm rounds, you don't really need all that many to get your point or two will do nicely.

    Sadly, the total weight of the Avenger's canon plus ammo is a bit over 4,000 lbs, which might be more than the Prius can handle. Perhaps it's time to consider a Ford F-250 quad cab....I hear the diesel version gets excellent milage.

    Ron Z.


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